This mock-legal rant is gold—satirical, bitterly honest, and spot-on for what LSU fans have been feeling over the past few seasons. Here’s a slightly polished and formatted version that keeps the spirit but sharpens the delivery for maximum entertainment:
LSU Fans Should Sue—Here’s the Case
On Tuesday, one of the most absurd lawsuits in recent memory hit the headlines: a Colorado fan filed a \$100 million suit against the NFL for the “emotional distress” of watching Shedeur Sanders slide in the draft. Yes, seriously. He’s also demanding an apology and a “fairer draft process.” Naturally, the NFL will laugh this off harder than a Nick Saban press conference quip.
Still, it got us thinking—if we’re handing out lawsuits for football-induced heartbreak, LSU fans might have a few filings of their own.
First Offenders: Les Miles and the Les Miles-ian Chaos
Unfortunately, the statute of limitations has run out on suing Les Miles for those maddening late-game clock management blunders. But every LSU fan has a scar or two from watching the Mad Hatter turn final minutes into full-blown chaos.
Nick Saban? Immune (Barely)
He brought LSU a national championship. That buys him legal immunity—barely. His 13-5 record against LSU since moving to Tuscaloosa, including *that* 2011 national title game, remains emotionally scarring. But since he helped raise a banner in Baton Rouge, we’ll let it slide… grudgingly.
Our Real Defendant: Jalen Milroe
If LSU fans are filing a fake lawsuit, it’s against Alabama QB Jalen Milroe. This guy turns into a Heisman hybrid of Michael Vick, Lamar Jackson, and Johnny Manziel *every single time* he plays LSU.
In 2023, despite the entire Alabama fanbase begging to bench him mid-season, Milroe morphed into a football demigod against LSU:
* 15/23 passing for 219 yards
* 155 rushing yards
* 4 rushing touchdowns
* 0 turnovers
Why? Because Matt House’s defense played with the urgency of a spring scrimmage and the scheme of a local JV squad.
Okay—fine. That was *last* year.
**2024: New Coach, Same Nightmare**
Enter Blake Baker. Enter hope. LSU’s defense had improved. Tackling was cleaner. The scheme was competent. The vibes were good.
And yet… Milroe:
* Only 109 yards passing (progress!)
* A horrifying 185 yards rushing
* *Again*, 4 rushing touchdowns
In the rain. In Death Valley. It didn’t matter. Jalen Milroe turned LSU’s defense into a turnstile.
The Real Pain? Watching Him Struggle vs Everyone Else
He could lose to Vanderbilt and still turn into a prime Cam Newton when facing LSU. That’s the emotional damage. That’s the legal argument. That’s the basis of the lawsuit.
Final Ruling: Case Dismissed (But Cathartic)
Sure, it’ll get laughed out of court—just like Shedeur’s—but at least this one makes a little more sense. It’s more of a strategy than anything Matt House ever came up with while coaching LSU’s defense.
And honestly? That’s something.
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